party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
