fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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