I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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