Can i not drive my cunt home
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Randomize
