it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
