First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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