i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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