I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
