Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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