Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
