Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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