the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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