I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
