Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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