I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
COCAINE IS GR8
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
