I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
