vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
