the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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