i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
