New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I have feelings that need drinking.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
