I need help removing her.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
