I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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