Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
