new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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