I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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