i permit you to call me
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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