This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
