Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
