Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
