LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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