I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
why is half of my head shaved?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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