My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
