my phone needs a breathalizer
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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