It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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