im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
