I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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