I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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