A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
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