took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
