can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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