Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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