I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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