apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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