Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
