So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
