All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
