every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
