She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
