Need sex. Gaining weight.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
