I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
