Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
